Parenting on a x-country trip

I have establish a useful ledger on Family Behavior. When indicated, please insert specified scenario.

Scenario A: Sibling I baits Sibling II into a verbal confrontation. Verbal confrontation escalates into a physical altercation, usually followed by a full frontal attack. The remaining siblings choose sides. Takes approximately 10 minutes to peak or until a parent is provoked enough to intercede.

Scenario B: A territorial infraction. Defined as crossing seating lines, touching seat belt, encroaching feet into seat space, repeatedly rapping back of seat with feet or otherwise touching anyone anywhere. Includes both purposeful and accidental infractions resulting in same outcome. By passes verbal stage and goes directly to physical retaliation. Five to 7 minutes peak depending on the non driving parent tolerance.

Scenario C: A technology infraction. Defined as touching laptop, touching digital camera , touching video channel changer or taking unflattering pictures of siblings and threatening to post them on the internet. Immediate full on assault requiring quick parental intervention (this for fear of technology loss, bones heal). Two to three minutes, tops.

Scenario D: Any of the above scenarios complicated by Parent I disapproving of Parent II disciplinary tactics, saying so forcefully, resulting in a long rehash of previous parental failures. The children take sides. No time limit.

We left Montana very early, hoping the kids would sleep until breakfast maybe three- four hours down the road. Sadly, not so.
“Chase, what presidential candidate came from South Dakota?” asked Nick.
“I don’t care” She shrugged.
“Is it because you don’t KNOW the answer” replied Nick.
Insert Scenario A.

“You kicked my head”
“I did not! You put your head down by my heel”
“You moved your heel over on purpose”
“ No I didn’t. You purposely lowered your head down”
Insert Scenario B.

D. had googled “The Best Diner in Bozeman” and it was an ok breakfast in a ok diner with famous people on the wall, only one which I recognized. Michael Keaton, and this only because a batman poster was next to him with his name printed on it.
“Oh sure” said D. “There are a lot of famous people here, such as John Kerry’s first wife.”
OK .

Back on the road, the kids rejected the World at War and Ken Burns Civil War series for a fourth viewing of Ratatouille.

“Do you think the kids are stupid, you know, dull, uninterested? D. asked disappointly. I reassured him the kids are just tired. Secretly, I don’t blame them. Please, World at War for the next twelve hours? Taser me now.

Still it was a little concerning that Ratatouille, even in its fourth viewing, out ranked almost every natural wonder we encounter as we left Montana.
“Hey look kids, look at the waterfall, isn’t it pretty?”
“Huh” said Nick, lifting one ear piece.
“I forgot this part” giggled Bresh. How could she forget? She just saw it an hour ago.

There was one exception. Prairie dogs, real ones this time, who dotted the landscape in the thousands.
“Slow down Mom slow down! I didn’t get the picture of him he was sooooo cute.”
“Oh man, my camera is dead again. Do we have any more batteries?”
Prairie dogs rule.

Eventually, the beautiful mountains, the pine trees and the winding rivers gave way to gentle rolling hills, scrubs and winding rivers. Which gave way to flat lands. Then dry, flat lands followed by even more drier, flatter lands.

“I thought we were in the Black Hills” I said “I don’t see any hills“
D. points to a few distant bumps.
“And I thought they were black. Do they look black to you?” I ask
D. shrugged.
I noticed D. fiddling with his cell phone.
“I don’t think there is coverage.” I offered.
I’m trying to get email” He said “ Beth is just forwarding personal stuff. No work”
“Are you feeling… left out?” I asked
No he denied.
Crackberry rehab is tough.
“Hey, try the radio . Let’s see if we can get NPR“ He suggested.
Crackberry addiction complicated with particular severe case of politicio-itis.
It was going to be a long drive.

Maybe five or six hours in D. asked if I wanted to turn off and see the site of The Battle of Little Big Horn.
Well, yah! I would. I loved Indian history when I was Nick and Chase’s age. All those stories of Sitting Bull and Chief Red Cloud. The kids are just going to LOVE this.

And so we trucked off the highway and Sherman lugged up the road through wrinkly hills to Little Bighorn. As we traveled, I tried to whip up the kids sense of history. Did they know this famous battle? Had they heard of Custer? Did they know he DIED here?
Nick lifted his video handset off one ear.
“Who won?” He asked.
“The Indians” D. said.
“Cool” and then it was back to Ratatouille.

Just as we enter the park there is a warning. Anything taken from the battlefield was a federal offense.
“Wow! You mean there might actually be artifacts out there still?”
“I guess so” said D. dubiously.
If I find an arrowhead I’m keeping it, I vowed.

The kids wilt immediately.
Its hot.
It sooooo hot
Doesn’t it rain here?
What temperature is it at home right now?

At the visitors center, D. opted for a ranger lead lecture. Nick followed. I herded the girls to the (air conditioned) museum. Maybe looking at the artifacts, reading the stories and seeing the pictures would engage them.
Unfortunately, no.

“Girls, listen to this. Crazy Horse said ‘My lands are where my dead lay buried’
I waited for a response.
“Isn’t that beautiful? Tragic? They took everything from this great warrior but they couldn’t take his spirit” I prompted.
I am greeted with blank looks.
“You see, he was fighting-”
Their eyes glazed over. I gave up and continued on, with the three of them trailing slowly behind me. Eventually they wandered off towards the bookstore. Bresh does find one thing of interest. Its a calendar of Prairie Dogs. Maybe I should have spiced up Custer’s Last Stand with some prairie dog casualties.

Back in the car, D. had us drive the battle route. We stopped at Weir’s point.
“You’re telling me Custer couldn’t see 2000 Teepees from here?”
“He does from here but attacks anyway.”
“I wonder what he was thinking, he had to know he was outnumbered”
“He thought he could take them”
“Wow“ I said, thinking of all those white markers which pockmarked the Last Stand Hill.

“Have we left yet” asked B from the backseat.

No one even complained about the lack of souvenirs.