The Jewel Cave

July 3rd dawned beautiful. The kids went outside to admire the hundreds of geese who lived outside the door of our lakeside cabin. Lakeside cabin is perhaps too generous of a word. Our cabin was very small with two pull out beds in the middle of the living room. But I liked cozy. More troublesome was the one tiny bathroom for six people.
Deleted Scene
Followed by scenario B.

Out at Sherman, loading up for the day, I tried to figure out what kind of bird is dropping their feathers everywhere. They are brown and too big to be crows. The kids started to collect them but I told them no, lets hurry up because I am ready! for Mt. Rushmore.

D. had scheduled our second cave adventure, the Jewel Cave lantern tour, at 3pm. All the tours had been fully booked so if we missed the 3 o’clock deadline we’d be out of luck.
So, its Mt. Rushmore, eat and then the Jewel Cave.
That’s the plan, Stan

“Can you name the four presidents who are on Mt. Rushmore?”
“No”
“OK, name one. Just one”
“Nooooooo!!!”
Insert scenario B.

We quickly figured out something was going on as we approached Mt. Rushmore. The roadside parking started four miles before entering the monument and there was an endless stream of back packing parents with strollers and barbeque pits and water bottles.

Apparently there is an Independence Day celebration on Mt. Rushmore. 30,000 people come annually to the mountain to celebrate. By the time we arrive at 10 o‘clock, 29,500 people were already there and the last five hundred were ahead of us.
As we slowly poked Sherman’s nose through the never ending maze of buses, and RV’s and SUVs , it became clear we were in no way going to see Mt. Rushmore today.

“Well, this sucks” said D. “keep driving”
As if I had a choice.

The kids leaned out the window snapping distant pictures of George, Thomas, Teddy and Abe. About 1/2 hour later ( less then ¼ of a mile) they got a profile view of George.
“Look at his nose“ said B.
“Can you see the hair? I think I see a hair in his nose” said Ronnie.
“That’s a booger” said Chase
“Will we see their butts?” giggled B
“That’s just a stupid postcard” said Nick.
“Do they fart? Said B, undeterred.
“I think I smell it” Said Ronnie.
“That would be Nick” Said Chase
Insert Scenario A

What do you want to do now I asked.
“I don’t know” said D. morosely “How about seeing Crazy Horse’s monument?”

We drove another 30 miles to the Crazy Horse monument. It is just like Mt. Rushmore, the largest mountain sculpting but still under construction. it’s a tribute to the legendary Crazy Horse and his culture. Its visitors site has a huge Native American museum and hundreds of native arts and crafts.

Once there, we lined up for the standard video which told the history of the sculptor, Korczak Ziolkowski. He was a man without a family and without roots. He found kinship with the Indians who invited him to do this immense project in the 1948. He stayed for the rest of his life. He died in 1982 and 9 of his eleven children still work on the mountain.

Wow. I thought. What dedication. What love of the culture. How cool to believe in something so much.
Obviously a lunatic, said D.
We wandered through the various artifacts displays, dresses, moccasins, beaded work, pottery.
I found the history of Crazy Horse. He had his first kill at 12, a buffalo. He had a vision at sixteen, interpreted by a medicine man, which predicated he would be a great leader. He was madly in love with a young woman who married someone else. Their love affair continued for many years resulting in Crazy Horse being stabbed by his rival.
I just loved it. The whole thing.

Eventually, Chase and I find a sculpture titled The Death Song. It depicted a Lakota warrior in the midst of battle. He has tied a sash around his waist and anchored it to the ground with a stake. The warrior wouldn’t move from the site until they died or won the battle. Already his horse lay dying, and this warrior is poised for battle singing about his death.
“Wow” I said to Chase. “Isn’t that heroic?”
“Sure” said Chase already moving on.
I am just not going to impress her.

Outside, on the veranda we get a good look at the memorial in progress. The head is mostly visible. If you looked closely, you could see workers, like ants, scurry over the top. There is also a scaled model of what it will look like when it is done. It is being done three dimensionally and will probably not be finished in our lifetime.

While walking across the veranda, I spotted a Native American in full dress garb. He was exotic, dressed completely in black, with beads and embroidery. His head dress was a turban of black and white turkey feathers which slung way down over his eyes.
He was drinking a sprite and talking on his cell phone.
I grabbed a camera to take a picture but its batteries were dead.
“Quick Nick” I said “Get a picture”
Nick tried but it was too late.
D. changed out the batteries.
“How many of those do we have left” I asked.
“Very little” He replied “Keep an eye out for a radio shack”

Just as we were about to leave there is a demonstration of Native dancing. At the end, the children are invited up on the stage to dance. Bresh and Ronnie exuberantly run to the stage. To the beat of the drum, Bresh does the Macarena. Ronnie follows suit. The twins grabbed their cameras and pushed video. Bresh and Ronnie preened to the beat. D. and I clapped loudly
We headed back to Sherman.
“ You know what I got? YOU doing the MACARENA!”
Insert scenario C.

The take from the Crazy Horse Gift shop: One stuffed buffalo, one wooden Teepee plus canoe, two Crazy Hats, three Crazy Horse Hat pins. Nixed at the counter where two arrows with very sharp tips. Both Ronnie and Nick were very disappointed.
And then it was on to the Jewel Cave.


We drive and then we drive some more because we are waay to early for The Jewel Cave Tour. I am feeling a little tired and not very enthusiastic. The kids are feeling the same way.

“Mooove OVER”
“I’m tired I just want to get some sleep”
“You’re on my side”
“I’m not on your side. The pillow is. ”
Insert Scenario B


“Stop It. STOOPP IT”
“I’m just fast forwarding through the previews”
“Give me the channel changer”
“No. Its just PREVIEWS.
Insert Scenario C.

Deleted Scene.
Insert Scenario C.

I decide that nixing the arrows was a very good idea.

We do make it to the Visitor’s Center, together, as a family, in one piece. But a new bit of trauma arouse. The visitor center ran a continues video of our tour, the Lantern Tour. It showed long dark tunnels and squeezed spaces and tight bends. And its pitch black, except for the shadows of the lanterns. . Chase said she doesn’t want to do it. I don’t want to do it, either. I ask D. if we can get out of the tour because it doesn’t look all that fun. He pointed out that all the other tours are booked. And what, we were going to come all this way and not do a tour?
O Dear.

I give it a second try by asking the Rangers if there might be a size issue? Maybe only a member of the seven dwarfs can go? Well, no. Not the case. Apparently, bellies, lung tissue and facial skin are malleable enough to pass through the tunnels.

With nothing left to do, I tried to distract everyone by watching yet another Visitor’s Center’s video on the wonderful rock formations, even better the Wind Cave. The formations ARE beautiful, all blues and whites and curly cues. There are stalagmites and stalagtites, floating crystals, water crystals, gypsum flowers and a mummified bat. And everything appears to be so… spacious that I think the first video must somehow give the wrong impression.
Ronnie worried the cave might give her diarrhea again.
Chase insists she doesn’t want to go.
And Nick, sensing weakness, professed his absolute desire to go on the tour and insinuated anyone who didn’t want to squirm through tiny holes are coward.
Insert Scenario A.

Eventually, we went for a walk outside the Visitor Center with a good hour left to waste. I hoped to burn off the kids and my nervous energy.
“Tell me the parts of a cell”
“Atoms followed by molecules-”
“Wrong”
Insert Scenario A.
Some kicked someone else, complicated by someone else video taping it.
Insert Scenario B and C
D. started yelling and swatting.
Insert Scenario D.
On that note, we leave for our tour which started on the other side of the center so we have to drive there. Pretty much, I am thinking I don’t want to be in a car with these people, let alone in a tight crawl space.

Suddenly, as we drive to our site, Bresh burst out “We are going to die! I love you. Nick” The covers her mouth, as if not to let any more words escape.
We were all startled into silence.
“The guilt just seeped out of me” She said between her fingers.

Hey, wait a minute, I DO like my family.

There’s about ten other people on the tour. The lanterns (actual oil lamps) are lit and handed to everyone except Bresh and Ronnie. And we started.
The first video was correct.
First, the lantern gave absolutely no light. So yes, it was pitch black. Second, It WAS all crouching under overhangs, squeezing around posts, navigating narrow passages. And that was before then we came to the stairs.

Actually, the Ranger called them “stadders” a cross between stairs and ladders. Ninety ( 90!) teeny tiny steps, maybe eight inches in width, down, down, down, steeply down into complete black nothingness.
You had one hand on the lantern and one hand on the rail or, in my case, I had a choice: Ronnie or the hand rail. I tried it with Ronnie on the side of me. No room. I tried it Ronnie in front of me. She slipped and another visitor stopped her fall. Finally, I made her follow behind me, holding on to my pants. She kept saying “Yeewh, mom, I’m touching your butt”
“Its that or death” I hissed back.
I could heard D. huffing and puffing somewhere behind me, waay behind me.
Once, being slow I came to a wall and didn’t know which way to go. It was a hairpin turn but damn, in the dark, which hairpin?
I sure hoped this was worth it. I hadn’t seen even one crystal yet.

Then we round a corner to an open cavern. I was immensely relieved to have my feet flat on the ground. I did a head count.
Are you OK D? I whispered.
Yes. How about you?
I took a breathe and composed myself

In the center of the cavern were stairs going straight up into a hole in the ceiling. At last I think, we are going to see something beautiful.

Then the guide said this is the end of the tour. This is where the famous Herb and Jan Conn discovered another entrance to the Jewel Cave ( and points to the stairwell which I now noticed is blocked off) after fifty years of existence.
The guide proceeded to talk about all the beautiful sights in the OTHER cavern above us and the other 140 miles of Jewel cave ABOVE us.
And there you have it.
We turned back went up 90 teeny tiny steps, crouched through holes, squirmed around posts.
Then we exit the cave into the sunlight with all our limbs unbroken, our kids accounted for, our belly fat and our facial skin intact still intact.
“That would make an awesome Disney ride“ said Ronnie
“It smelled like fart in there” said Bresh.
“I heard Mom fart this morning” said Ronnie

Sigh.